oh God. i am a shell; the life within me has been emptied out. this leech that clings to me has been growing for far too long. but i cannot seem to do anything about it. it hit me that this could be a foothold that satan has in my life, something that i am non-chalantly giving over.

how in the world can i go from one extreme to the other? how can i go from feeling a sense of your presence, feeling a sense of burden to share the love you give, feeling joy at a reminder of your love, to going to this?

"but those who choose their own ways-delighting in their detestable sins-will not have their offerings accepted...for when i called, they did not answer. when I spoke, they did not listen. they deliberately sinned before my very eyes and chose to do what they know i despise."

isaiah 66.3,4

"listen , you who are deaf! look, and see, you blind! who is as blind as my own people my servant? who is as deaf as my messenger? who is as blind as my chosen people, the servant of the Lord? you seen and recognize what is right but refuse to act on it. you hear with your ears but you don't really listen."

isaiah 42.18-20

God. when will i learn? how long will i keep this up? i voluntarily hand over my purity; not fighting for it at all. i have been so jaded by this that i've become numb. why save a wretch like me?

ever faithful ever true. God why? why would you ransom me? why would you give your son to die for me? i sin continually and have shown no signs of repenting.

yet at the same time i say that, i know that there is no hope without you. i need you more than anything. i am lost without you. i have no strength on my own to fight the flesh that wages war with my soul. i need you God. i need your cleansing flood to wash me clean. i need your love to wrap me again. your love. your perfect love.

God you have defeated sin and death. Christ's death on the cross broke the power of darkness, freeing me from the slavery to sin. i ask in that power, in that name, that i would be cleansed of this habitual sin. wash me. i want to have a heart that is pure and focused on following you.

the things of this world have left me empty, lust most of all. show me the path of true life; the one that is full of peace and love.

"oh return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free."

oh God, thank you for freedom. freedom. the word itself even sounds beautiful. freedom from sin and corruption. freedom from emptiness. freedom from deception and misery. freedom from our flesh. freedom.

i am a soldier. i've been commissioned to fight in this war. as i go along, the war is seeming more and more important. but i have a problem. in running with my brothers along the road i keep getting knocked off my feet. it's brings a feeling of defeat and hopelessness. i see the friends fighting and dodging these holes in the road. i want to join them and fight alongside them. i want to win this battle. to fight for the cause i am defending. i've been called to fight but i can't seem to find the strength. i need help from one who has been through these skirmishes. i need a guide.

Please God. Break these holds. I can't let them go. Gripped or unwilling to let go? It's been too long to count, too long to put a finger on when it began. I cannot seem to escape it. Busyness makes me seem to have a victory but there is nothing in it. Have I lost a feeling of regret? Have I lost my guilt over this?

Why does your grace cover me? Why? There seems to be no victory in sight, no repentance and desire to change. Why do you still call me your son? I cannot seem to get over these things.

It's not about what i do. Or not all about it. It's about where my heart lies. Who my God is. It's about my salvation and where I look for it to come from.

God change me. I need you more than I know. This is a bitter reminder that I cannot measure up to the standard you set, not on my own. I need your arms to hold me, your light to guide me, your love to secure me, your grace to remind me of what I am. You are a God who is perfect in all that You are. All goodness. All love. All knowledge. All power. All wisdom. All patience. All control. I need more of you. I am nothing when left on my own. God please impart who you are to me. Pour it into my heart, for the glory of your name. I want to live a life that will be some sort of thanks for who you are and what you've done. I need you. Life without your love is shallow and unable to fill.